Mind Altering Chemicals: Part 2 of 2

Part two of this series on Mind Altering Chemicals will provide you with information on how the alcoholic or addict affects the people around him or her.

If you, the addict or alcoholic, think you have no one in your life that cares about you; think again. The people most commonly affected by the addict’s drug and alcohol use are immediate family, extended family, friends, bosses, acquaintances, and medical providers.  

Sometimes it is just too hard for the alcoholic to communicate with any of these above mentioned people because many alcoholics tend to burn bridges as they travel through life. So, they isolate. Given enough isolation and loneliness then the alcoholic will perceive no one cares.  

One of the most important points I want to make in this article is that the seven people in an alcoholic’s life hates the behavior of the addict but, does not typically hate the person affected with the disease. Often it will take some time for the family members to distinguish between the two concepts. And that is okay. Family members have their own drama to deal with.

I will give you some personal examples to explain further. 

My Brother gave his body and soul to alcohol, which continues to sadden me today.

My Brother purposely caused his death by drinking a lot of alcohol. He was in so much emotional pain he could not stand to be un-medicated. I understand this concept well. However, life can be tolerable and even meaningful when you let go of the mood altering chemicals.  

My Brother’s family and friends commenced in an intervention for him.An intervention is a grouping of loved ones of the affected individual. The loved ones tell the addict how his or her behavior affects them. All comments are stated with love. The comments are stated in such a way as to not confront the alcoholic but to state how his or her behavior affects individuals in the family, on the job, and in friendships. 

My Brother felt threatened. He became angry and left the room. At that moment, my Brother gave up on life.  

If anyone has seen “Leaving Las Vegas” featuring Nicolas Cage, that was my Brother through and through. “Leaving Las Vegas” is a very sad movie.

After my Brother’s intervention he traveled to Florida, hooked up with a girl friend to house him, and drank himself to death within two years.  

Before he died, my mother called me to inform me my Brother was in the hospital in the Intensive Care Unit and was dying. She also informed me she could not possibly go travel to Florida because of her weakened condition due to her life choices, copious alcohol consumption.

As soon as I hung up with her I was on the next flight to Florida. My Brother died while I was in flight to Florida.  My Uncle met me at the airport. He told me the sad news with tears in his eyes. I felt intense pain, confusion, and anger. I was flying down to see my brother in the ICU, alive! I was going to cheer him on to live. But now, I was faced with making arrangements for his funeral. 

My brain was having trouble comprehending the fact my Brother was dead. (Denial) I borrowed my Uncle’s car and drove to the hospital where he died.  In late evening I ran into the hospital and asked to speak to the House Nursing Supervisor. She eventually met with me in the ER. I tried to be professional with a peer, but I could not pull ‘professional’ off. Panicked, I just kept saying to her “I need to see my Brother!”  “I need to see him now; take me to the morgue!” The Nursing Supervisor was kind, but had bad news. She told me my Brother had been moved to the funeral home. I asked her in an exasperated way how to get there.  

I drove to the funeral home and began knocking on the door. As it was 12 midnight, I had to knock hard to get someone’s attention. Finally, a middle aged man came to the door. He invited me in. I was crying, panicked, and not making much sense at all. I asked the attendant over and over that I wanted to see my Brother. He allowed me to vent and cry. He warmly explained that my Brother was full of edema; he was very jaundiced, and was not ready to be seen. I pleaded with this man to see my Brother, but he held his ground lovingly. 

I drove back to my Grandmother’s home, exhausted, I slept. 

The next day details were to be given attention. I met up with my Brother’s girl friend. We visited many churches to ask for an indigent burial plot. The answer was no every time. The last church we went to offered a very low price for the entire funeral. My Grandmother and Uncle paid $1000.00 dollars for my Brother’s funeral.   After that detail was accomplished we went to an outdoor fruit and vegetable market. We were able to purchase a lot of food inexpensively. We were able to prepare a healthy feast for the gathering after the funeral. As I selected fruits and vegetables I began to cry. I continued to cry most of the afternoon. I was crying because my brother is dead. I was crying over the nonsense and injustice of it all. He did not have to die the way he did. My Brother was a warm, loving, and compassionate person who had a lot of gifts to give of himself. He did not see this. I blamed our alcoholic parents at that point. I had a hint of how much emotional pain he was in because we were raised in the same house. His pain was different that mine, however similar. I could not understand why he just gave up. Where was the fight? My guess is that he was too tired to fight. He wanted relief form his pain. He probably thought death would do the trick. I don’t know if death helped him, no one does. I do know his death left a lasting scar on my heart. We made sure all the family members and important friends were notified of my Brother’s death. His 7 people turned out to be 25 people who deeply cared and loved my Brother.

1. “Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.” 2. “Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.”3. “Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.”

5. “Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.”

6. “Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.”

7. “Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.”

8. “Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.”

9. “Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.”

10.  “Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.”

11. “Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.”

12. “Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.”

13. “Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.”

The first time I read this list I felt paralyzed. I could relate to this list to my very core. The first characteristic (“Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal is.”) stopped me dead in my tracks. This list haunted me for several years until I decided to fix it or fix me! I tackled the list with the tenacity of a linebacker in a football game. I wanted to get better, but my driving force was anger and I continued to blame my parents.

I am much better today. It took 30 years of my 50 to learn how to live without anger, blaming, and how to figure out what ‘normal’ is. I found out ‘normal’ is what you say it is.

My parents did the best they could with what they had to work with at the time. I could not say this statement even 10 years ago. I’m proof growth and acceptance ‘of what is’ can occur! This is a lifetime process, which I have also accepted. True acceptance will give you a sense of peace.

If you think you are in the category of people in which I am speaking of, get help! If you are unable to afford counseling, start reading everything there is to read on the subject! Education and increased knowledge will help so much because you will understand why you do the things you do.

Read any book Janet Woititz, Ed.D wrote.

Read any book Claudia Black has produced. Ms. Black has work-books too, which will give you enormous insight to your situation.

If incest is involved in your case read the book “The Courage to Heal” by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. This book is not only for females who have suffered through sexual abuse, it also includes a section for the young boys too. This book first came out in 1988 and has been revised many times to keep up with the changing abuse.

If you have experienced incest I highly recommend for you to include a counselor while working through this book. Have someone near you to protect your vulnerability. Remember this is a process, feeling better over night usually does not occur.

Another book I truly love is “Your Erroneous Zones” by Dr. Wayne Dyer PhD. I suggest ANYTHING Dr. Dyer has written. He has written a lot on many subjects, but all the information he has placed out into the world is relevant and extremely helpful. Dr. Dyer and Abraham Maslow are my favorite teachers or gurus.

I wish you the best in your journey of wellness. Please remember, hate the behavior not the person.

Tags: consequences, Family, harmony