Death

In this article I want to share information, love, and compassion. I believe, if ‘the living’ offers love, compassion, and patience to the grieving person; healing will surely take place.

People cope with the loss of a loved one in many ways. There is no right or wrong way of coping with death. There is no time limit in dealing with a loss. Grief is a natural process for the living when death occurs. The process of grief is a necessary response to heal from a sense of loss when the beloved dies. 

The way a person grieves depends on numerous variables, some which include, culture, religious beliefs, secular beliefs, coping skills, mental health history, developmental stage, environment, what was taught and when, previous exposure to death, and how long and severe the disease process was or if the death was sudden.

Rituals are very important to many of the living. Commencing in rituals gives the living a chance to be with their beloved and to say goodbye. Rituals may include but certainly not limited to:

1.        Bathing the deceased.

2.        Dressing or undressing the departed.

3.        Holding the loved one for an extended period of time.

4.        Talking to the dead loved one.

5.         Kissing and examining the body of the deceased.

6.         Rocking the departed in a rocking chair.

7.         Taking a lock of hair.

8.         Taking picture or a video of the deceased.

Again, nothing is wrong or right here, this is all part of saying goodbye.

Allow and accept your feelings. Allow your tears to fall. Allow your sadness and sorrow to envelop you. Allow your screams; sound off a guttural cry to cleanse your soul.  Allow your pensiveness. Allow your depression, despair, and pain. Allow your anger. Allow yourself to be. Allow what ever feeling or behavior comes your way as long as it does not hurt anybody else.

Dr. Kubler-Ross is world renowned for her work with death and dying. I encourage you to visit her website. Dr. Kubler-Ross has died, but her message lives on.

Dr. Kubler-Ross defines 5 stages of grief.

1.     Denial.  Once a person becomes aware of bad news about a loved one’s death, the first words out of his or her mouth are “I can’t believe it” or “This can’t be happening.” This is a very effective defense mechanism to protect the psyche. Bad news takes a bit of time to absorb.

2.    Anger. The living often feels abandoned by the departed. This may illicit feelings of anger. Some people get angry with God for taking away their loved one. Anger in this arena is normal and natural.

3.    Bargaining. The bargain is usually with God. “Please let my son live, so he can meet his new baby.” (Or to attend any other major event.)

4.    Depression. “I can’t go on.” “I can’t stand this pain.” “I don’t want to be here without my loved one.”

5.    Acceptance. Just like a butterfly emerging from its’ cocoon, one is able to incorporate all the good and bad, and is able to hold the memories near with a new sense of calm.

These stages do not necessarily happen in order. Denial is usually first and then one can move in and out of the stages until acceptance is finally reached. These stages are not timed. One has the rest of their life to negotiate acceptance of the death.

If you are helping a person through a death, avoid uttering platitudes to the grieving person. These sayings often help the mental health provider but not the person who is experiencing grief. Examples of these are:

1. “It was God’s will.”

2.  “He/she is in a better place.”

3.  “God needed another angel.”

4.  “Everything happens for a reason.”

5.  “Things always work out for the best.”

6.   “You are young, you can have more children.”

7.   “Time will heal your pain.”

8.   “You have to be strong for the other family members.”

9.    “He/she is not in pain anymore.”

10.   “He/she had a good life.”

I have found it is better to be silent and listen to the grieving person. Just the presence of another supportive human being can be so valuable to the mourner.

The platitudes do comfort some people but I would rather say nothing and allow the grieving person to take the lead in the conversation. I don’t like to use the above platitudes because I don’t know what I am saying it the truth. Is the death God’s will? I simply don’t know. That’s why I discourage the use of platitudes.

Mental health history is important here because the stress of a loss can trigger symptoms of the mental illness. For instance, if one has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, mania may show itself due to all the stress and confusion coordinating a funeral and then one may slump into a major depression once all the busy work is done. This type of mania and depression may be deeper and take longer to lift because grief is also involved. It becomes so important to seek help from your psychiatrist immediately, after you learn of a loved ones death, even if you think you don’t need to.

Visit your medical doctor during the sorrowful event as well. Have a physical and allow your doctor to care for your physical wellbeing.

Seek out a counselor if your struggle is unsympathetic over time. Unresolved grief can cause copious physical problems, major depression, PTSD, substance abuse, and even psychosis. The goals of grief counseling are beneficial, here are some of them:

1. Afford time to listen to the grieving person’s stories and to help weave those stories into a tapestry of memories.

2. To encourage free flowing expressions, thoughts, feelings, and concerns.

3.  To guide and teach how to make a decision without their loved one, how to prepare for anniversaries, how to deal with negative issues, and to explore creating new relationships.

4.  To offer support, compassion, guidance.

Other activities you can do to help your grieving process along and to reduce your pain are:

1.  Seek support in the community when you are up to it. Lean on the members in your own support system.

2.  Eat nutritious foods.

3.  Drink plenty of nutritious fluids. Try very hard to avoid alcohol. Drinking alcohol tends to decrease inhibitions, which can open the doors to all kinds of unexpected behaviors.

4.  Sleep uninterrupted for 6 to 8 hours a day. This is where your doctor comes in handy; if you are not able to sleep ask for a sleeping pill.

5.  Move your body every day. Research shows participation in aerobic exercise for 30 minutes everyday can help lift a depressed mood.

6.  Find comfort in rituals such as planting a tree for the deceased.

7.  Starting a journal has helped many people. I highly recommend journaling because the words on the pages can show and measure growth.

8.  Allow yourself to be. Get the word “should” out of your vocabulary. Just be, accept yourself and your grief no matter what stage you may be in. Readjusting to the world without the person who died can be extremely difficult.

9.  Establish a spiritual contact with your loved one. Keep your loved ones’ essence close to your heart and allow that life-force to comfort you.

Cherish the people in your life. Live in the moment and move forward.